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breakdown [Mar. 1st, 2007|02:49 pm]
Sunday, we talked about getting a divorce because he just consistently shows that he does not want to be there. He is short with the kids, has tension and anger in his voice. Is always frustrated with everyone. Doesn't want to help out around the house. He doesn't want to participate in anything as a family. It has been very sad for me to watch. I told him that after the bankruptcy is over, I would release him; without prejudice because I just cant stand to watch him try to do something that is very obvious to everyone else around him, that he just does not want to do. I guess I have felt and absorbed a lot of guilt for that. Feeling like I had forced him into a situation he didn't want to be in. Feeling like if it weren't for me...he might be happy. because he is obviously not and I dont knw what to do about it. It seems like it is not only my fault, but I can't fix it either.

He came home last night shortly after 11pm from a business trip. I was in bed. He came in and I was genuinely happy to see him but wary. I am always on guard it seems. I tried kissing him but he didn't want to kiss me. He was stuffed up he said.
So then we were touching and stuff....if this is TMI then just skip it...and we ended up having sex, or starting to, but he couldn't...his knee hurt. So I tried changing around, still no. So a very frustrating while later, found something that worked for him which was not exactly UNpleasant but certainly not good for me. Ah well....he seemed to enjoy himself. Maybe next time.

3 hours later when the alarm went off, I was exhausted. I hit the snooze a couple of times and finally got up a bit late, got the kids up, made their breakfasts, got them ready but then Kira was dawdling with her porridge. She hasn't seen Daddy since Sunday but I didn't want to wake him up because I knew he'd be mad. I was rushing and rushing and thought I was ready to go but then realized I had nothing packed for my lunch. I didn't want to spend any money so I thought, well its only a few minutes before he has to get up anyways, and this way he will get to see Kira, maybe I could ask him for help. So I went to wake him up to ask for help for a few minutes.
I went in and quietly said his name, leaned over to kiss him on the forehead and he opened his eyes and looked at me with a look of absolute hatred and contempt that I literally jumped back and started to cry. I dont know if I was crying because I was upset with him or myself for waking him up KNOWING he would probably be mad....so setting myself up for such a moment(?) or because the look hurt my heart and I work really hard to not feel anything so when something breaks through....I feel like my defences failed-which makes me a failure. (See how crazy people think?) He started yelling at me about how when he goes to bed, he expects to get a certain amount of sleep an didn't appreciate me hitting the snooze button so many times and now I was waking him up and it was my own fault for sleeping so late.... etc etc.

I closed the door and went back out to the kitchen to finish doing up my blouse, and it was missing a button. I had to go back into the bedroom to find something else to wear. So I went in and the kids were playing at the kitchen table (this is like 6:30am-I am usually GONE by 6:10am) so I went out and hissed at them to be quiet. I said "what is wrong with you guys? "...something I normally would never say...so then I went back to finish dressing and he was getting out of bed, whipping the blankets off and glaring at me and said...."the kids don't deserve to get yelled at for nothing.."

Everything went black and I couldn't breathe and I started to shake. It felt like my head was going to explode. It took every ounce of self control not to start throwing things and smashing stuff....but only because I was afraid he would be even more mad at me.

After I calmed down a bit, I was able to go out and finish packing my lunch. He came over to me and moved to try to give me a hug but I stopped him and said, "don't touch me"
He started throwing things and smashing stuff

As I was finally headed out the door, he threw the recycling bin (I don't think he threw it AT me, he just threw it) and it hit the floor behind me. It scared me and I jumped and started crying again.

They (the alleged professionals hired to help me) keep telling me to just keep doing what I'm doing....what am I doing? I have no idea what I'm doing. whatever it is, it cant be right? this cannot be the way to live.