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The kettle called me names [Jan. 18th, 2007|12:35 pm]
Never ever look at your reflection in a large silver kettle.
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a lesson in boundaries?? [Jan. 16th, 2007|11:21 am]
I told The Man Who Bought Me Coffee that I didnt want to see him anymore, that our symbiotic relationship was over and he was not to email me, call me or message me. I would maintain a casual online-chatroom conversation with him but that was it.
He said..Ok. Take Care.

I have mixed feelings on this. (cuz I think I should have been a Gemini)

Relief: On one hand, I am relieved that it went so smoothly and that he was able to respect my wishes with no confrontation.

Pride: Ya I know that supposed to be sinful so its a good thing Im not Christian. I am proud of myself for being able to draw that line and then follow through on it. I wish I had been able to draw that line with a friend of my husband's last year, because I think perhaps they would still be friends. They aren't now and that makes me a little sad, although he assures me that it has nothing to do with that incident. *shrug*

Sadness: I am sad that I thought I could have a relationship with a man that did not involve sex. I mean, I knew he wanted sex, but I thought...no nevermind....I didnt think...I just wished. I wished I had a friend.

Anger: I am angry that he lied. I am angry and even though I suspected that he lied about what he wanted from me, as a matter of fact I told myself in that "I am saying this outloud to make it sound like its true but we all know Im a liar" voice that he only wanted sex and wasnt interested in me really....I wanted to disbelieve that. I told myself over and over that he only wanted to get in my pants but when the reality struck me that it was actually true, I was genuinely surprised. Maybe I was only surprised that ANYONE would want to get into my pants...I dont know.

He had created some very bizarre and historically inaccurate reality - the frightening part of which is that he believed it. He believed that, although yes I did sleep with him once, and did give him a blow job in the parking lot of a restaurant once (hey that was a birthday present and there was another girl too!), that is really the only sexual contact ...Or ANY contact I ever had with him 6 yrs ago! He has some notion that we were dating and on such a serious level that he was about to propose to me, had bought a ring etc. He used terms like "when we were together" and "when you and I were dating"....now I have always been pretty damned clear about my expectations of a relationship, which rarely went beyond "Make me breakfast". There are very few men that I slept with more than once. If that makes me a slut, well so be it, but thats the reality. And HE....was NOT one of them. As a matter of fact, I dont even remember sleeping with him in the first place! I have a vague recollection of him being naked in my bedroom, so I assume that I did....but it obviously was not memory-slot worthy.

Ah well. Lesson learned I suppose. Now I just need to figure out what that lesson was supposed to be....
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(no subject) [Jan. 12th, 2007|09:35 am]
[mood |irritatedirritated]

Something bizarre happened last night.

The Guy Who Buys Me Coffee met me after work to give me a ride to pick up my car - which was gettting a new exhaust. He brought me a coffee. I tasted it and thought, Gods this is the worst coffee I have ever had, but smiled politely and held onto it. He asked me if I wanted to stop at his house since it was right around the corner (NOT!!) but I politely declined as I did not want to encourage his mental illness in believing that there is a possibility of getting inmy pants. I paid for my car ($400!!) and went home, got the kids a special treat for supper since the social worker was coming over and was pleasantly surprised to see that the kids had tidied up and done the dishes already! So they ate their supper and I had time to make myself something a little healthier; salad with fresh mushrooms and a slice of toasted rosemary bread, rubbed with a clove of garlic and sliced grilled chicken breast on the top with a drop or two of Greek feta and Oregano dressing. BEAUTIFUL! It was a work of art, let me tell you...
So the kids were allowed to watch TV while I chatted with the social worker. Things were actually OK. Chatted a bit about the difference between my thought that he might be cheating vs our "agreement" about open relationship etc. Talked about Jeremy's meds etc. It was a nice chat.

I got the baby ready for bed and then went to change my work clothes and make coffee to go relax downstairs with the kids. I realized I had never actually drank the coffee fom earlier so I microwaved it to see if it had gotten better from standing for a few hours.
I know I know!! ACK! But hey, it had tasted awful before, how much worse could it be now?

Went downstairs, relaxed, checked e-mail, coffee was much better...then someone I was chatting to online mentioned that I seemed particularly hyper and 'upbeat'. Huh. Obviously noticeable since it rarely happens. I WAS feeling very "up". How odd considering I had paid $400 for my car and another $109 to have a strange man stick his hands (among other devices) in my mouth. and Hyper? I was a little jittery...must be the coffee. Too strong maybe? Not bloody likely...

So Jeremy goes to bed and I start to feel sweaty and my heart is beating very quickly, I can hear the blood rushing in my ears. My hands feel like they need to be doing something, anything! I am getting antsy with no apparent reason. I mention this to a friend who asks me if I have accepted a drink from anyone recently.


The Man Who Buys Me Coffee and I had been talking previously in the week about ephedrine as a weight loss drug and its effectiveness and how to take it, in what combination etc. He told me he uses it and could get me some if I wanted as it would be a great way for me to augment my weight loss attempts. I told him that I didnt think I was ready to take drastic measures. He assured me it was ok and that I should take it with coffee since I am anemic and would not be able to take the ECA Stack, with the aspirin in it. Apparently you have to mix it with caffeine for effectiveness.

So. Do 2 and 2 make 4 or did I just coincidencify all the stuff and put it together in my own mind? Maybe I dont understand why someone would even try that?

When hubby got home he checked my pulse and said it was rapid but not dangerously so for a normal person, but considering my blood pressure is soemthing like 110/70 on a stressfull day, he was concerned. He even gave me the stern face. He said he was not happy.

So. Of course I asked him this morning and he said no. hat else woudl he say even if it were true? I have no proof. What to do what to do...
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actions speak louder than words [Dec. 19th, 2006|09:14 am]
So, Bren got a check yesterday for over $900 for repairs to his tractor due to construction company leaving a massive hole in our yard and the lawn tractor falling into it and breaking an axle.

So, as a joke I asked him if I MIGHT be getting presents this year now.

The answer was a resounding no.

But apparently its my own fault, because I told him to pay some bills with it.

The thing is, I told him last night when we went to bed that he never thinks about me, doesnt even say hello when I come home. Never has time for me. Never does anything remotely resembling thinking of me....and his answer about the money was that he never even thought about using it to get something for me.

and yet I am supposed to believe him when he tells me that he loves me? Do I believe the actions or the words?

Am I shallow, putting so much weight on whether or not he gets me something? NO, because I dont care if he actually got me anything; I wasnt expecting anything.....its just the idea that it never even occured to him. The thought never even crossed his mind. I never even entered into his stream of consciousness. That whole...its the thought that counts? Well it is.
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ex husbands suck [Dec. 7th, 2006|09:07 pm]
My ex husband came by
not only did he come by, but he has moved out here. In the middle of nowhere to intrude on MYSpace. This is my safety zone and my little farming community and MY country air and MY nature. He belongs in the city. Far away from me.

He took Jeremy to Cubs. He is the Wolf in my dream, by the way...and when he dropped him off, I decided it was time to tell him about Jeremy's medication.

Not only did I end up crying and bawling, but he had the BALLS to tell me that maybe *I* was the one who needed to be on meds.

I cant even begin to talk about him here and what kind of a man he is, but it suffices to say that I dont trust him. He always has an ulterior motive. And its never an altruistic one either.

Anyways, he was exactly the same when Nicholas was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. He blamed everyone and everything from the fact that maybe its because we live in the country and Jeremy cant walk down the street to play at his friend's place to me giving him too much responsibility (he has to set/clear the table and keep his room clean) to a long bus ride to genetics. It may very well be a combinatin of all of those things and maybe none, but he left me with a feeling of guilt and as though I had just been handed an(other) enormous burden.

He shows up again tonight, noticing freshly brewed coffee and sits down to cup while waing for the boys to get ready to go. Doesnt knock, just walks right in.

As my mother says, it's like my worst nightmares come true. She tells me I need the Serenity Prayer.

I can think of a few other things I need but they involve messiness and lots of flames.

To question SherKhan's theory of people being "tested" or not, why do we need to be tested over and over again?
Am I that stupid that I just havent learned the lesson yet??
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(no subject) [Dec. 6th, 2006|09:57 am]
[mood |frustratedfrustrated]

I got some excellent advice from some friends about a week ago. We had a lovely evening and talked and it was just like I was an adult and had friends!! It was all adult-ish and we had wine and food and everything.

So their advice, regarding hubby, was to play to his need. At first I thought this sounded sneaky and immoral but I think they had some really good points. He-being a human being afterall- needs to feel like he is needed, feel as though he is taking care of someone. The insinuation was that perhaps he feels unfulfilled or incomepetant because I am not? Not that it is a direct fault of mine, but certainly gives a whole new perspective on how I handle things.

So I have been trying very hard not to directly influence him by outright telling him what he needs to do, which is my natural instinct being a very impatient and direct person. DO this. Dont do this. You need to do this.

I suppose that I could be more compassionate and caring but on the other hand, and in my own defense, it has been a very hard road these past 2 years and I have just taken on the leader role and got the job done. HUuby says I am like a man; hear a problem, offer solutions to fix it. Apparently I need to more womanly; hear a problem, sympathize, comfort, empathize, listen, offer shoulder for crying, allow them to talk until they find the solution themselves, blush in the face of glaring compliments on my ability to solve problems.

Sounds like a lot more work and much more time consuming than my way, doesnt it?

but apparently there is some benefit to it...*sigh*
like you know...not emasculating your husband and sending him swirling into the depths of despair and depression with feelings of inadequacy and incompetence.

well I tried.

I suck at it

Today, he is crying and in a complete state of doom and gloom and can barely function. Automatic 'fixit' mode kicks in and I give him a list of things to do because I know that once he does them, he will feel a sense of accompishment that will give him the energy he needs to move on to the next part of his day. We are looking at not even one DAY at a time, just one hour at a time sometimes. So then he slips into chastised child mode, and just accepts everything I say to him with "ok", hearing the sound of defeat and self-accepted failure in his voice.

How, with always the best of intentions, do I continually manage to screw things up!?!?!
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Christmas cheer [Dec. 5th, 2006|12:15 pm]
Sometimes I just feel like I am living all wrong.

I have always managed to do what I wanted to do while being able to do what needed to be done at the same time. I have never been in a job that I didnt like. It seemed against my sense of morality somehow. If I didnt like it, I would just move on. There is always another job out there. If the hours didnt meet my needs or were inconvenient to the kids, I would just move on, no worries and not even a second thought. After Kira was born, I took a job working until 6pm, which was very inconvenient and I didnt like it, but the benefits of only working a half day were too many to pass it up. There was also a propsect of switching to mornings after 6 months, again only working half days. SWEET!! I was prepared to be temporarily inconvenienced in order for long term gain. ESPECIALLY since I loved what I was doing. I was born to teach. I loved being in the classroom, in front of the students, talking about what I know and what I'm good at and making a difference in the lives of my students. What I loved even more was the chances of getting into the child care facilities and being with the 2 yr olds. I love babies and little kids and I could never dream of doing anything else. At least not long term.

But here I am, filing papers and formatting Financial Manuals and distributing mail and updating leave documents and organizing Christmas luncheons!!
nearly coming outCollapse )
Maybe its because I don't really see any end to this. I know I did the right thing. I know that this job is exactly what I SHOULD have done and the thing that any responsible adult trying to provide for their family would do, so why do I feel so miserable about it? Why does it feel wrong?

Maybe I feel resentful of my husband for not being able to work for so long, forcing me into this position.
Maybe I am suffering from a female Peter Pan type syndrome and really didnt want to grow up.
Maybe I am just having a temper tanrum about not getting my own way
Maybe I realize that all the years of fighting so hard against conformity and trying desperately NOT to become exactly what I have become has made me realize that I have wasted a large portion of my life and should have spent it just accepting mediocrity at a much earlier age and then maybe I'd be happy about it by now.
or at least oblivious...
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burden of guilt [Dec. 1st, 2006|03:17 pm]
I took Jeremy to the doctor on Monday for a follow up after his ultrasound and his ECG. Everything is normal, physically. Ultrasound shows no physical reasons why he should still wet the bed at 9 yrs old. Heart tests show no reason why he should be so stressed out as to have heart palpitations. So we talked and even though I knew it was coming and was prepared to finally give it a try, I was still really devastated when she suggested medication for ADHD.
It's never been a problem until this year. I thought I had it under control, with the lists and the strict routine and stuff. This year has been too hard for him. I have felt like I was failing him and just didnt know what else to do.
Reality vs. FantasyCollapse )

I was a feverish and headachy on Friday past, so I went home from work early. I havent been back since. Monday was my day off anyways, but I didnt go in Tuesday. I went in Wednesday but they sent me home after about 2 hours of listening to me nearly hack up a lung. So basically I have been in bed since Monday - miserable about the medication thing escaping into a Diana Gabaldon novel. I havent done dishes or swept or laundry or anything. I have just laid in bed and read my book.

The other manCollapse )

Not to mention that despite everything, I obviously love my husband very much...even on the days when I don't believe in love.
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Just out of curiosity.... [Nov. 22nd, 2006|02:50 pm]
Poll #873522 Favourite Holiday Treats

What is your favourite beverage consumed during the holidays?

Favourite kind of chocolate:

Any boxed variety brand
Only dark!
Only milk!
Only white!
Quality Street
Other specific boxed brand
no preference

Do you consider NUTS a holiday treat?


Fruitcake: 1 = DETEST 10 = Should be the main course.

Mean: 2.67 Median: 1 Std. Dev 2.43

Is gingerbread more than for making houses?

Yes; cookies too
Yes; you can actually eat it!
No; it's only good for keeping kids busy
No; not even good enough for that!

How do you like your egg nog?

with nutmeg
with rum
with rum and nutmeg
preferably in someone else's glass

Is there one particular "treat" that you associate with Holiday season? If so, what is it? Do you make it a part of your holiday tradition?

What Holiday do you celebrate?

Winter Solstice
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Couple calls for global orgasm on Dec. 22 [Nov. 21st, 2006|03:01 pm]
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) - Two peace activists have planned a massive anti-war demonstration for the first day of winter.

But they don't want marching in the streets. They'd much rather protesters just stay home.

The Global Orgasm for Peace was conceived by Donna Sheehan, 76, and Paul Reffell, 55, whose goal is for everyone in the world to have an orgasm Dec. 22 while focusing on world peace.

The orgasm...Collapse )
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