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(no subject) [Mar. 23rd, 2007|11:43 am]
[mood |hungryhungry]

sometimes "A-HA!!!" moments just make you realize that you're an idiot.
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Disney's New Princess [Mar. 15th, 2007|12:12 pm]
[mood |confusedconfused]

Disney is making a new kids movie called The Frog Princess and everyone is so happy about the fact that she is black .... with the body of Barbie.

Do I applaud them for not depicting her as a stereotypical Black woman or am I appalled that they would attempt to instill anorexia and body issues into the black culture as well?
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TPC [Mar. 5th, 2007|02:16 pm]
The Toronto Pagan Conference was fabulous. I am so glad that I suffered the 10 hr train ride to be there. Check out Deo's Shadow, a Pagan Podcast.

Thank you to my dear coven sister and her partner who were such fantastic hosts.

Above and beyond anything that my words could possibly make any sense of, thank you to sher_khan For a brief moment, I saw myself as I want to be seen.

The seminars were very engaging and there was a sense of community and a unity that is born of being part of something growing and alive. Memories will include howling at the moon and viking sing-alongs and the wicked church lady, communication through intercourse as opposed to open discourse, lipstick ownership, broken hips, naughty boots and glitter.

I met an infinitely interesting man who may attempt to put things into a literary perspective that will make sense to not only me but everyone else.

I will make an effort attend every year, even if the only reason is simply for the one moment of the year when I don't have to make breakfast.
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breakdown [Mar. 1st, 2007|02:49 pm]
Sunday, we talked about getting a divorce because he just consistently shows that he does not want to be there. He is short with the kids, has tension and anger in his voice. Is always frustrated with everyone. Doesn't want to help out around the house. He doesn't want to participate in anything as a family. It has been very sad for me to watch. I told him that after the bankruptcy is over, I would release him; without prejudice because I just cant stand to watch him try to do something that is very obvious to everyone else around him, that he just does not want to do. I guess I have felt and absorbed a lot of guilt for that. Feeling like I had forced him into a situation he didn't want to be in. Feeling like if it weren't for me...he might be happy. because he is obviously not and I dont knw what to do about it. It seems like it is not only my fault, but I can't fix it either.

He came home last night shortly after 11pm from a business trip. I was in bed. He came in and I was genuinely happy to see him but wary. I am always on guard it seems. I tried kissing him but he didn't want to kiss me. He was stuffed up he said.
So then we were touching and stuff....if this is TMI then just skip it...and we ended up having sex, or starting to, but he couldn't...his knee hurt. So I tried changing around, still no. So a very frustrating while later, found something that worked for him which was not exactly UNpleasant but certainly not good for me. Ah well....he seemed to enjoy himself. Maybe next time.

3 hours later when the alarm went off, I was exhausted. I hit the snooze a couple of times and finally got up a bit late, got the kids up, made their breakfasts, got them ready but then Kira was dawdling with her porridge. She hasn't seen Daddy since Sunday but I didn't want to wake him up because I knew he'd be mad. I was rushing and rushing and thought I was ready to go but then realized I had nothing packed for my lunch. I didn't want to spend any money so I thought, well its only a few minutes before he has to get up anyways, and this way he will get to see Kira, maybe I could ask him for help. So I went to wake him up to ask for help for a few minutes.
I went in and quietly said his name, leaned over to kiss him on the forehead and he opened his eyes and looked at me with a look of absolute hatred and contempt that I literally jumped back and started to cry. I dont know if I was crying because I was upset with him or myself for waking him up KNOWING he would probably be mad....so setting myself up for such a moment(?) or because the look hurt my heart and I work really hard to not feel anything so when something breaks through....I feel like my defences failed-which makes me a failure. (See how crazy people think?) He started yelling at me about how when he goes to bed, he expects to get a certain amount of sleep an didn't appreciate me hitting the snooze button so many times and now I was waking him up and it was my own fault for sleeping so late.... etc etc.

I closed the door and went back out to the kitchen to finish doing up my blouse, and it was missing a button. I had to go back into the bedroom to find something else to wear. So I went in and the kids were playing at the kitchen table (this is like 6:30am-I am usually GONE by 6:10am) so I went out and hissed at them to be quiet. I said "what is wrong with you guys? "...something I normally would never say...so then I went back to finish dressing and he was getting out of bed, whipping the blankets off and glaring at me and said...."the kids don't deserve to get yelled at for nothing.."

Everything went black and I couldn't breathe and I started to shake. It felt like my head was going to explode. It took every ounce of self control not to start throwing things and smashing stuff....but only because I was afraid he would be even more mad at me.

After I calmed down a bit, I was able to go out and finish packing my lunch. He came over to me and moved to try to give me a hug but I stopped him and said, "don't touch me"
He started throwing things and smashing stuff

As I was finally headed out the door, he threw the recycling bin (I don't think he threw it AT me, he just threw it) and it hit the floor behind me. It scared me and I jumped and started crying again.

They (the alleged professionals hired to help me) keep telling me to just keep doing what I'm doing....what am I doing? I have no idea what I'm doing. whatever it is, it cant be right? this cannot be the way to live.
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Divorce [Feb. 26th, 2007|02:43 pm]
We talked about it.

Don't know what will come of it but when it starts because the baby put on lipstick, I dont think a decision can be made. How would you feel if you had to answer "I got divorced because the baby had lipstick on" ? Seems kind of ridiculous.

I told him after the bankruptcy we could talk about. I hope I imparted the undertone of ultimatum in there.
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(no subject) [Feb. 25th, 2007|02:29 pm]
There was a poster on the door of the bathroom stall reminding you to wash your hands. It had little cartoony germs on it that Kira said looked like jellyfish.

She has a bit of a cold so her nose is running and I told her she had to blow her nose so we could get all the germs that were making her sick.

"Ya *nod nod* I meed to get those jellyfish out my nose!"
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Heart Day. [Feb. 14th, 2007|04:49 pm]
a timing belt?
I really have no idea what that is but apparently if you dont have one its a bad thing. And apparently if it 'slips' off while driving, its a VERY bad thing.

Did you know that it is cheaper to rent a car for an entire day than take a taxi?

Did you also know that if the car rental place doesnt have any small cars left when you want a small car, they will upgrade you to a medium sized car for free?

Did you know that a 2007 Chevy Malibu has a temperature sensor and that it tells you how many kilometers you have left to drive before you need to get gas?

Oh, and I found out that the definition of "out of the kindess of your heart" is $35. Cash. And when pulled from the bank machine that gives only $20 bills, it actually rounds up to $40. So, out of the kindness of his heart becomes a $5 tip from the bottom of MY heart.

Happy Valentine's Day.
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brrrr [Feb. 5th, 2007|11:14 am]
[mood |Frozen]

I dont care who you are or how many layers you are wearing...
Minus 50 is cold.
I can almost feel my thighs and the fluid in my eyeballs seemed to have warmed to room temperature again.
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on money [Jan. 22nd, 2007|10:10 am]
When I was married to my first husband, we never had any money. I wasnt allowed to have a bank account, so I didnt really know where all the money went.
Now, he still doesnt have any. He borrowed money from my son to put gas in his car, to drive to his grandmother's in order to borrow some money for food so he could feed the kids on his weekend. He sleeps all day and never answers his phone. He got laid off from his job after 18 yrs, but he got a severance package and employment insurance etc. He was also making around $50K so where does his money go? I still dont know.

How was I able to support a family of 5 on $36K a yr, for nearly 2 yrs before I had to declare bankruptcy? I dont know. I just did. There wasn't a choice, was there? And even when we did finally declare bankruptcy, a large portion of the debt was income tax issues, resulting from my husband's failure to file income tax from several years prior.

I think I will get Bren to call the priest who looks after the foodbank and see what the criteria for a single person is. If he doesnt qualify maybe I will make him a box myself and leave it on his doorstep. Maybe a small can of gas for his car too? As long as he doesnt know it was me.

I hate money. It is such an awful thing.
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Few and far between [Jan. 19th, 2007|12:30 pm]
[mood |tiredtired]

I did something last night that I never do.

I didnt make his supper. *GASP*

He has had a couple of very bad days in a row and although there is a longer span of time between downward spiral, the bad days I think are far worse than they were before. I think on the upside of that, the consecutive bad days are fewer.

So he turned on the passive aggressive behaviour and didnt speak to me all day. So, I didnt make his supper. I suppose I can justify it will all sorts of reasons, but in the end I, myself resorted to passive-aggressive techniques and just didnt do it.

He ate hotdogs and felt sick afterwards and had indigestion.

this morning he got out of bed, tidied up, scanned some receipts and faxed them to the people who wanted them, made arrangements for oil to be delivered, checked bank balances, did some dishes and did some laundry.

I hate passive agressive behaviour. I think it is a cop out and very underhanded and sneaky and childish. On the other hand, it seemed to have struck a chord somewhere. Gods I hate his mother.
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